Snow

If I remove my socks and my shoes,
my gloves, my hat
and lie down upon the snow,
let it curl up around me and fall straight down onto my face,
I can feel the heat of my life wicking out

It's not numbness, not something masking the pain like a drug;
it's just dissipation,
it's just osmosis,
as it spreads out from me into the snow
until my portion is so very little

Oh, snow, always empty,
always room for more--
take from me.  Take, take, I give it.

November 14

Today, for a few moments,
it snowed

and then the snowflakes melted into rain.

I want to open a window
so I can hear it,
feel the change in the air on my tongue

but the heat is on, so I don't.
I only watch.

Everything outside is gray.
It's cold:  it's relaxing.
In the dim light, my eyes are safe.

I desire the rain;
I want to pass through the glass and become one with it,
to lie on the earth,
to sink into the wet earth while the rain beats down on me from above--
to melt like a block of salt.

I want to spread out,
become one with everything,

until I am nothing.

Sonnet LXXX

Every day your words repeated:
you said that I'm the only one
whom I love, that I'm conceited,
that I had poisoned all I'd done.
And so my thoughts were always on
myself and on the sketch I'd drawn--
if I'd acted narcissistic,
if they think I'm egoistic--
and I've never loved somebody,
for if our hearts grew close at all,
they'd see me, weak, conflicted, small;
and with only casual study,
they'd learn how I am just replete
with selfishness and vain conceit.

Anteros

Now I know your name,
and I will call upon it;
I will whisper it
and look for your golden face,
for your red, full mouth,
for your iridescent wings.
Come and comfort me,
come to me, come and be filled;
let me pour on you
everything that is in me.
Love as I have loved;
balance with your heart the scales
that Venus holds in her hand.

Chōka

You smile and you smile,
you laugh and speak cheerfully,
but my eyes can see,
my ears can hear, my heart feels:
I know you have cooled;
I no longer bring you joy.
I want to ask why,
but you are smiling, smiling;
you laugh and speak cheerfully.

Hope

I thought
that, for me, Love was poison,
that it was an overwhelming force made to suck me into evil,
that anyone I loved would insinuate sin into me,
even if he was a good man,
because of how I am—

I’m too easy, too open;
I invite abuse.

I thought that, for me,
there was no such thing as a deep, clean love,
the desire to know and be known,
a force of acceptance, of welcome, even,
in the light of which all sin becomes irrelevant.

I never thought I could feel safe,
that I could trust someone not to try to bend me to his will,
that another person would actually want to know me.

And then, all at once, I knew in a day
what I had learned in a year—
that these things are possible, even for me.

Hope is terrible, terrible—

it’s too late,

it’s too late,
and you said you don’t want me.

Chōka

Little false fruits fall,
and I do not know their name.
Redder than apples,
tinier than memories,
they drop from the trees
and bleed from under our feet.
I listen all day
to the voice of her I left:
life becomes irrelevant.

Ballade

I slice from temple to mouth through my cheek,
and everything disappears with the blade:
all that I've done that was stupid or weak.
I peel my palms open from cuts I've made
and expose bone - how can I be afraid?
I invite explosions, make the bullets shriek
through me, in at the heart, out at the back;
along with the skin and ribs that so weighed
on me, the guilt will burst out, wet and black.

And now, without my spine, my hands, my face,
I can fall asleep just as my eyes close -
a heavy, dreamless sleep, an empty space
with no memory, no questions, no prose;
the instant of obliteration knows.
No one sees me without my eyes in place;
I'm clean for the first time without my skin:
there's nothing to hold the dirt in.  These blows
are safe; by morning, it all grows again.

Tanka

In my opinion,
if you can't win a battle,
it doesn't matter
if you can recite poems,
match fine silks, or play the flute.

Tanka

Reminding myself
that it's all bits of nothing,
all I have to do
is find a way to do it -
that's the hardest part of life.

Tanka

Here in the city,
I found something beautiful -
a muskrat dove in;
deer grazed by the hidden pond:
more than is necessary.

Love Letter to a Paper Doll

Smudged by eraser,
blue eyes draw my eyes toward them;
separating us,
the impenetrable glaze
now seems thinner than paper.

Pull me in, I beg,
because I want to forget;
I want to believe
in goodness where it lingers
in the inviting
shadows of your collarbone -
isn't love part of goodness?

In each strand of hair
are the disappointed dreams
of your Creator,
someone who used to believe
in absolute happiness.

If we never searched,
how could we piece together
a thing of beauty?
Its endless forms, its details,
were well taught to us
by the long lifetimes we spent
in frustrated hope.
We learned more intimately
of its changing elements
than did those it touched.
We envisioned every curve,
dipped our tongues in it to taste.

Ugliness exists
to create beauty for us
beyond all comprehension.

I can see the mind
that crafted you from fragments;
I applaud its work:
and while these crisp thoughts march down,
you dissemble; I follow.

Even I construct
sweet, unreal happinesses,
lodging them deeply
in the corners of pillows,
where I press my lips.
I manufacture faces
as lovely as yours
out of adjectives and glue.

Little paper doll,
lie on the grass as you lie;
allow the shadows
to cover up the wishes.
Tell your Maker I love you.

Give Leave

I believe in something.
There is another world,
vivid with green ink,
a watercolor that's still wet.
We float above it,
walking on wooden floors that wave in the breeze
like flags faded by the sunlight.
Wouldn't you love
to plant your feet on the solid ground,
to feel the coolness of earth seep into you?
I looked for a place where the worlds were held together,
a long, steel nail sent by a heavy hammer
through the wooden floor, deep into the dark, green earth,
and I found it,
delivered to me as I sat paralyzed:
Nuper Rosarum Flores.
It was then that I knew I would be able to cry.

Summer Illness

My skin is white and clear
and wounds cover it,
small and deep and round,
punctures in the clean, sweaty flesh
These summer months,
something is wrong,
and I can't name it:
the sun batters my eyes closed,
my head aches,
I'm weak.
I gather the strength to rake my eyes
over the strong, young bones,
over the impenetrable muscles;
the hairs and the fat are formidable and lively
So why am I laid low
by a taste of poison,
by a beam of sunlight,
by a memory of the desire for greatness?

Mishima

Because I said to him,
"I know you" --
Because I thanked him
for showing me the filthy truth of his soul --
Because when I saw it,
I clung to him and said,
"I'm glad to meet you" and
"Even though you're evil,
I'm glad that you exist" --
Because I could see in my reflection
what I cannot see in myself--
these echoes come back to me
Thank you

アレクスへ： (To Alex)

I.

和歌

守れない約束
致しました
存じあげて
もちろんおりました。
お女王様
もご存知で
いらっしゃいましたね。
でも拝見
すれば光る
おなりになることが
欲しいですが。
寂しい時、
よくお女王様を
抱きたいです。
思い舟の
下に海に
おなり致したいです。

お落としになりた不注意な賞賛だけが
僕の喜びでした。
お女王様も自己も
お無くし致しますから、
恐ろしいですよ。
どこにお隠れ致しましょうか、
この遊び無しで？
この服従を速くお習い致す
原因が何ですかね？
それで
ここに約束致した和歌があります。
この胸で、
遅く過ぎてすみませんね。

Waka

I made promises I can't keep
I knew it, of course
My Lady also knew it, didn't you?
When I see you, I want to become a shining light, but...
In sad times, I often want to embrace My Lady
I want to become the ocean beneath her heavy boat

Only the careless praise you dropped was my joy
Because I am losing both My Lady and myself,
I am frightened
Where shall I hide without this play?
What is the reason for quickly learning obedience?
So here are the poems I promised
From this heart,
I'm sorry that they're too late

II.

川柳

雑草に
赤い桜は
隠せない

Senryū

In among the weeds
the scarlet cherry blossoms
cannot be hidden

III.

片歌

島だけに
安全がある
でも助けない

Katauta

Only an island
can be a safe place for you,
but no one can save you there

IV.

長歌

詩の時化に
神秘は叱る
芯は霜
士気はしなびる
市に詩人
渋々忍ぶ
心中を
次第に躾ける
自然を凌ぐ

Chōka

A mystery scolds
in a poem's stormy seas
The heart is like frost
and morale withers away
The city poet
still reluctantly endures
The innermost thoughts:
slowly teach them to behave
Go forth and surpass nature

V.

旋頭歌

天才は
天災で死ぬ
もう自信
地震に終わる
きっと誇りは
埃になった

Sedōka

My genius dies
in natural disaster
My self-confidence
is ended by an earthquake
Surely, all my dignity
has become nothing but dust

VI.

短歌

夜は無常
復習の句に
月光しよう
秋分の柿
好天に松

Tanka

Night will surely end
Let's make the moonlight into
a practice haiku
The persimmons of autumn
A pine tree in good weather

(or)

The world is heartless
In revenge's agony,
let's become angry
A summer full of scandal
I see rough weather ahead

VII.

仏足石歌

同系の
姉妹の閥だ
あなたのだ
と思うずっと
幸福に沿う
専制は悪

Bussokusekika

It's an alliance
It's a circle of sisters
Consider it yours
Think of it so forever
Following in happiness
For tyranny is evil

(or)

This my idolized
punishment has ended now
Consider it yours
In surrender
accompanying you there
The beginning of my oath

七つさようなら (Seven Goodbyes)

Moving and practice.

1.長歌

最良の
じゃなかった、僕。
思い遣り
僕は返済
できないね。
努力しないよ。
不可能だ。
僕の恩義の
大きさを
覚えなさいよ。
悪かった。
何か教えた
少しずつ
僕はと思う。
でも、僕は
君から何も
習いなかった。

Chōka
I wasn't the best.
I can't repay your kindnesses, can I?
I won't even try; it's impossible
Remember the size of my debt.
I'm sorry.
I taught you something, little by little, I think.
But I didn't learn anything from you, did I?

2. 短歌

暇乞い
するのはきっと
正しいよ。
だから、どうして
罪の意識か。

Tanka
Saying goodbye is surely the right thing to do.
Why do I feel so guilty?

3. 短歌

僕達は
親友じゃない。
書かなくて、
電話しないね、
でも寂しいよ。

Tanka
We're not best friends
We won't write
And we won't call each other
But it's still sad

4. 和歌

守れない約束
致しました。
存じあげて
もちろんおりました。
お女王様
もご存知で
いらっしゃいましたね。
でも拝見
すれば光る
おなりになることが
欲しいですが。
寂しい時、
よくお女王様を
抱きたいです。
思い舟の
下に海に
おなり致したいです。
お落としになりた
不注意な賞賛
だけが僕の
喜びでした。
お女王様も
自己もお無くし
致しますから、
恐ろしいですよ。
どこにお隠れ
致しましょうか、
この遊び無しで？
この服従を
速くお習い
致す原因が
何ですかね？
それで、ここに
約束致した
和歌があります。
この胸で、
遅く過ぎて
すみませんね。

Waka
I made promises I couldn't keep.
I knew it, of course.
My lady knew it, too, right?
But when I see my lady, I want her to become a glimmer of light.
When she is sad, I want to hold her properly.
I want to become the ocean beneath her heavy boat.
The careless praise she dropped is my only joy.
Because I'm losing my lady and myself, I'm frightened.
Where shall I hide without this play?
For what cause will I quickly learn this obedience?
So here are the poems I promised.
From my heart, I'm sorry they're too late.

5. 長歌

寂しくて、
遠 くにあなた
よろめくね。
好きじゃないけど
よく拒否を
いつも言えない。
また呼べば、
あなたに急ぐ。
嬉しいよ、
あなたは誰も
無しでいき
始めることを
習うから。
あなたに僕を
帰ればね。
排水すれば、
大嫌いけど
キスすれば
あなたについて
考える。
魂をもつ
あなただよ。
呼ばなかったね？
そうだから
怒っている。
大嫌いだぜ。

Chōka
Lonely and far away from me, you falter, don't you?
I don't like you, but I can never properly refuse you.
If you call again, I will hurry to you.
I'm glad because you are beginning to learn to live without anyone.
If I return to you, if you drain me, I will hate you—
but whenever I kiss someone, I think about you.
The person who owns my soul is you.
You haven't called, have you?
Because of that, I'm angry.
I hate you.

6. 旋頭歌

僕達は
一緒に仕えて。
同じこと
分けている。
あなたは落ちて、
僕は勝ったね。

Sedōka
Serving together
We share the same thing
You lost and I won

7. 和歌

君の静かな知恵は
俺に謙虚を教えた。
自分の欠陥を俺に
現実的な自身は
見せた人は君だね。
数千の勉強を
優しくて遅く教えた。
信頼はよかったよな。
君と何も隠した。
全部の広い世界は
俺達の微笑みを産んだ。
俺は悪かった時も
座っているもいいで、
困る時、君の側に。
君が自分を咎めたね？
俺の馬鹿なことだぜよ！
あの時、君の言葉
深く感動させたよ。
去る時尾行したくて、
ね、手を前に投げたくて、
腕で抱きしめたくて、
パニックにキスしたくて、
突然に泣きたくかった、
初めて怖かったから。
もう泣いてはいけない
君はと厳しく言った。
だから俺は泣けなかった。
もう持ち続 けなかった。
もう強くなったからよ。

Waka
Your quiet wisdom taught me humility.
The person whose practical confidence showed me my own faults is you.
You taught me thousands of lessons gently and slowly.
It was good to rely on you.
With you, I hid nothing.
All the wide world gave birth to our smiles.
When I was wrong or when I felt helpless, it was all right to sit by you.
You blamed yourself, didn't you?
I was so stupid.
Your words then deeply touched me.
When you left, I wanted to follow.
I wanted to throw my arms forward, hug you, and kiss you.
Suddenly, I wanted to cry, because I was afraid for the first time.
Don't cry, you said strictly.
So I did not cry.
I did not continue to hold you, because I have already become strong.

Chōka

It is the summer:
heat weighs down heavy on me,
bears down on my chest.
There is no escaping it.
Sweat runs down my back
and is absorbed by the sheets.
Nothing is moving.
Overwhelmed and paralyzed,
I can only wait
for the power of the storm.
It comes with the dark,
and then I can move again.
In life, it is summer, too.

Phaedrus

Beautiful, in your beauty to my eye,
faintly reflected images are seen,
truths that I breathed before I left the sky.
Straining against my soul, uncurling, green,
bursting from veins, my wings are warm and clean.
Three thousand years from now, we'll reach the Prime;
we will arrive together as we fly.
I will instruct you, teach you not to lean,
bring you along as I begin to climb.

If there is pain in this, I'll show you why:
something amazing lives behind a screen.
Only through windows can we even try
to come to what Reality might mean,
yet we must make this mystery our queen.
Come very close, but do not touch. Our crime
smudging the glass would mar it, twist it wry.
All we can love is in the mirror's sheen;
mirror me as I mirror you through time.

Tanka

I will fall in love,
and without any partner,
I will sing duets -
and even the pas de deux
will be danced by me alone.