Sonnet IX

These terrors with derisive words of praise
are sometimes soft; they sometimes coil and grate.
Today, as on so many other days,
I fear I will be overcome by hate,

self-loathing neither merciful nor kind,
nor gentle, nor immaculate, nor free,
and all that’s good is spoiled, and death is twined—
not rest, but death is twined—in all I see.

Beneath the breastbone, pain regroups and pours.
There is no respite, and we cannot run.
Our sins (and my sins): all are rancid sores
that never heal. They will not be undone.

The point that merits sympathy and scorn
is that we plant, caress, and tend each thorn.

Sonnets VII & VIII

VII.

I, it seems, eschew the vain and merry,
and I left the house alone as ever.
There was nothing I could wish to carry.
I need nothing more for my endeavor.

In the darkness, I had no companion
but Orion. He was coldly shining,
shedding light into the deepest canyon.
Death was near. I stood there, fearing, pining.

If I go or stay--it doesn't matter.
No one would be injured by the scandal.
Vain attempts to flee the mindless chatter
have no meaning. I can hardly handle

all the knowledge massed in one conclusion:
worthless are both friendship and exclusion.


VIII.

And now I have begun to dream of him.
I cannot flee my own subconscious wiles,
so it is not my fault, my wish or whim,
if now I know the bliss of gentle smiles.

I've been so good! I guard my hapless mind
with steel and granite: firm, unyielding. Still,
at night, I make myself fall deaf and blind
to force his voice and image from my will.

Should love lead me to hope or to despair?
Righteous men exist! And love is real!
I bask within his warmth, his health, his care.
Unto his mercy I might still appeal.

A word might change my heart's ill-timed incline--
yet Fate decreed he never shall be mine.

Guilt and Jealousy and Guilt

I suppose, from what I've seen, that she
is the sweetest, dearest girl in the entire world.
She deserves all good things.
If I knew her any better, I would be falling at her feet,
begging to serve her.
Anyone might adore her.

I've never seen someone so soft and gentle
who also sparkled with vibrant joy.
I've never seen someone so excited and eager
who could stay, poised neatly in her own chair,
with her hands folded,
and say nothing.
I'm not like that at all.

I do not want to do her wrong.
I seek desperately to serve her.
I must find a way to love her;
I must find a way to want to do what's best for her.

I want her to be happy,
but sometimes I wish she would just die.

Over the Piano and a Girl's Shoulder

I heard pain whispering to you,
and I wanted to ask whether you are sad,
because it seems to me that everyone is sad.

The snow is falling gently,
and it is white, and it is quiet.
Underneath it lie the remains
of the mud and the rotten leaves.

Your smile is sweet and gentle,
and your laughter is quick to sound,
but I also looked into your eyes.

Sonnets V & VI: Two Sonnets for One Man

V.

I look away from him, but still I see
the parting of his lips, his shoulder’s curve,
the movement of his lashes. Not for me
are such as these. Unknown, unpaid, I serve.

My face is turned away toward safety now,
but danger lingers anywhere he goes,
and as I close my eyes, I take a vow
to flee from hope, though constantly it grows:

innumerable kindnesses he gives;
he seeks me out; he holds me as his peer;
we laugh; we play; he tells me how he lives;
his eyes light up whenever I come near.

Oh, I’d believe he loves me, too, for sure—
if I had not seen how he honors her.


VI.

I’d ask, if I could voice my one desire,
that I might be allowed to worship you.
Beneath your banner, I would never tire.
To glorify your name, the deeds I’d do…!

If only I could honor you in song
or write you sonnets from the heart you moved…
I’d conquer continents to make you strong;
I’d recreate the world if you approved.

I’d suffer pain forever in your name.
I’d take your sins upon myself hereby:
for you, I’d burn in hell’s eternal flame.
And oh! If I might be allowed to die!

I must have your permission for each task.
Alas! My friend, it seems I may not ask.

綺麗な声君 [You with the beautiful voice]

Please allow me
to be in your presence.
Please allow me
to hear your voice,
情熱的な言葉.
[passionate words]

All I may wish for is
to be near you,
All I wish to wish for is
more than I may,
大事な英雄.
[important hero]

Every glance from your eyes
fills me with gratitude.
Every touch from your hand
inspires my adoration,
立派な神.
[kind god]

I can never be satisfied,
but I must be content.
I cannot stop wishing,
but I will relinquish hope,
綺麗な声.
[beautiful voice]