Make Sure

Many times in my childhood, my mother said to me,

"Just make sure you never do that to someone".

If someone used me and belittled me? No need to stop being her friend,

just make sure I never do that to her.

If someone hit me and raped me? No need to stop dating him,

just make sure I never do that to him.

If people believed untruths about me? No need to correct them,

just go on pretending I haven't noticed.

Secrets are all we have to protect us, you know.

And wouldn't it be a tragedy if the messy, ugly truth were known?

(How messy, how ugly I am.)

Because you know I'm just waiting to use people,

laugh at them, abandon and betray them,

lie to them, belittle them, dismantle their freedom.

I'm just like that, bad like that, and it's revolting

--so I'd better keep it a secret. No need to burden anyone else with Me.

Just keep constantly telling myself, "Make sure you never do that"

and "Make sure you never do that" and don't ever act, just

never do anything to save yourself. You're not worth the effort.

Maybe if I say it to myself, over and over,

I can keep all the bad from coming out.

And I always thought I would say the same thing

to my daughter when I had one. But now

I'm not going to have any children, because

I'm never going to do that to someone.