Gretchen

"Humiliated"


It is a cliché—
How disaster can spiral from one slip of the toe

Yet my mistake was not a slip,
It was a nosedive.

I see now the dichotomy
Between what I knew and what I believed

I am that fool
Who is aware of consequences
Yet disregards them

Now I have a beginning awareness of how my actions affect others

At first I believed that nothing could be worse
Than the agony of waiting—
Now I know that I was wrong

The agony of waiting, the agony of wondering
Are nothing compared to the agony of
Degradation

I laugh at my former inability to imagine
The revulsion that awaited me

It is incomprehensible—
The shame, the fear
The surreal experience of incomprehension
The knowledge that I chose my own humiliation

How is it that I can smile or laugh
How is it that I can think about other things
How do I carry on conversations

If I ignore it, perhaps it will go away
If I tell no one, perhaps it will stop
How long
How long will it be before I betray myself

How long do I have before the gentle swell of life
Curves over my belly

The shame of it
Lies in its shattered beauty
It was to have been wonderful and wanted
Now it is a hideous mockery